Systems breakdown
Sometimes spending days in pain can wear you down. Not just muscle pain or pain from a physical injury, but nerve pain that keeps niggling away at your conscious hours. Hour after hour. Day after day.
I hate complaining like this. I’m afraid people will think I am just trying to get sympathy. But that is the last thing I want. I don’t need people’s sympathy; it does me no good; it doesn’t change the pain. The only thing I can do is put on another fentanyl patch, take another lyric, and chew up some more ms-contain, smoke another cigarette.
Fuck; I’m tired of this.
Last week I found out that I’ve worn out my left hip joint. If they had looked I’m sure we would have found the same on my right hip. My doctor said that if I wasn’t on so many pain killers already I would have felt the pain long ago. It’s like all my bodily systems have decided to fail, all in a short period of time. Sometimes I think that it has to stop because I don’t have any more systems to lose but it’s kind of like thinking I’ve filled up all available space for more tattoo’s, but when I attended a dharma Punx retreat in Oregon last year I saw just how much blank space I still have. No fear about running out of space for new tattoo’s.
I guess there’ no fear about running out of bodily systems I can lose either. I’m just not sure how many more systems I am willing to put up with losing. I’m afraid of becoming what my mother was before she died… a bitter old woman who took out her feelings on everyone around her. That possibility is not acceptable in any even remotely possible way. I will not become what my mother was. Yeah, I know, I can’t become a bitter old woman, but you know what I mean… whoever you are. I was writing this for myself, but I’ll put it up on burningelectrons.org so maybe someone out there will read this. Either writing this has had some therapeutic affect, or the last patch is kicking in because the pain seems to have lessened a bit. Either way, I’ll take the relief. Finally. I just hope I can get a few hours out of pain.
On another even more disturbing note, I got a notification that somebody is using one of the pictures I posted on one of the Internet sharing boards. I was curious, even a little proud that someone would think one of my shots was worth using. So I went online to see which picture he was using and I was completely grossed out to find out that some deviant jerk was using a picture I took when i was in South Africa of an engorged elephant penis. He put it on a page with similar engorged animal penises. Whatever prurient interest this guy has in animal penises, I don’t want one of my pictures to be used by him. I took the shot because I had never been that close to an aroused elephant before. I must have only been five meters away from him in the Addo National Park. I never meant for that picture to find it’s way online, it must have been uploaded as part of a Adobe Lightroom upload.
Now I have to find out how to pull that picture back in and erase it from any online service it might be stored in. I’ll let to know you know how that turns out. And no, I am not going to slip a copy of the picture in here.
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- It’s Called Pain Management (weirdnursingtales.blogspot.com)
- Novel Non-Addicting N60 For Chronic Pain Relief (psychologytoday.com)
